pumpkins, a wedding, & some rambling.

I had the honour of being a bridesmaid

for one of my best buds who

came in from Montreal to get married...

^ the beautiful bride in her awesome dress.

^ had to get a poutine from

Smoke's Poutinerie in between all the pictures

that were being taken!

^ beautiful button bouquet from Etsy.

^ probably the raddest cake I've ever seen.

^ my jack skellington pumpkin.

^ more pumpkins from my carving party.

All in all it was a great weekend

but I'm pooched beyond words.

I've been playing catch-up with homework

all night.

I'll leave it at that for now...

actual rambling & ranting to come...maybe.

variations on the word love.

This is a word we use to

plug holes with.

It's the right size for those warm blanks

in speech,

for those red heart-shaped vacancies

on the page that look nothing
like real hearts.

Add lace
and you can sell it.

We insert it also in the one empty space

on the printed form
that comes with no instructions.

There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love,

you can
rub it all over your body

and you can cook with it too.

How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool debaucheries

of slugs under damp pieces of cardboard?

As for the weed-seedlings

nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces,

they shout it.
Love! Love!

sing the soldiers,

raising their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two of us.

This word is far too short for us,

it has only

four letters,

too sparse
to fill those deep bare vacuums

between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish to fall into,

but that fear.
this word is not enough

but it will have to do.

It's a single
vowel in this

metallic silence,

a mouth that says
O again and again

in wonder and pain,

a breath,

a finger grip

on a cliffside.

You can hold on

or let go.

- Margaret Atwood

good movie.

an emotional punch to the gut + disappointment = realization?

so i've been gearing up for more dates

with mr. awesome

for awhile now.

to make a long story short,

we finally got together last night.

of course this was preceded by

numerous outfit changes

& a mouthful of tums to

settle my nervous tummy

that flip-flops at even the thought of him.

(for literally the first time in YEARS)

to make a long story short,

said dude came to pick me up.

he came to the door, we walked to his car,

i got in, expecting a few hours of greatness...

only to be met with,

"i need to tell you something".

& a heartfelt convo that amounted to

me being told that he is

"trying again" with his ex

(they broke up after 4 years a few months ago).

he was completely candid, respectful & nice about it.

nevertheless it felt like a kick to the chest

& our date ended right then & there,

with me holding back tears as i told him

i understood before i went back inside.

45 minute girly get-ready time

all for a 5 minute conversation.

:(

moral of the story:

my tummy is still capable of flip-flops,

i just needed the right guy to coax them out.

current reality:

i'm bummed out

& admittedly shed tears over a guy

for the first time in a long time.

one day...

...i'll be okay.

false alarm.

contrary to what i thought before a week ago,
the butterflies in my stomach are NOT dead.
an amazing 1st date with an awesome dude reawakened them.
even if this doesn't work out,
it's nice to know that
they were just dormant & waiting to be stirred up.

people & things.

its been a busy week.

i'm literally in physical pain
due to studying.

on the bright side,
i had my *last* day for my
community health rotation.
we spent the day at agape table
helping out with serving breakfast/lunch
to people in need.

myself & 2 of the other girls in my group
took the first shift (7am-10am).
once the next group took over, we headed out
for some falafel.

after that we just headed back
to debrief with the rest of the group
& get an official tour of the facility.
we handed in our client profiles
(which were covered in blood, sweat & tears)
& were dismissed.

went through the car wash...
came home & crammed for
law & ethics some more.
i'm so glad my last midterm is tomorrow.

probably even more glad that i have a date.
OoooOooOOOooo.

girly shit, stress, midterms, a date, & new bedding.

so i'm currently trying to cut portion sizes
in order to ensure that i fit into a dress i plan to wear
to a wedding that i'm a bridesmaid in at the end of october.
it zips up but just barely which leaves me
short of breath & walking like frankenstein.
NEVER in my life did i think i would do
something so silly/unhealthy.
but i'm broke-ass...and the dress is awesome.
soooooo...yeah.
i should probably be watching what i eat more anyway.

i take back what i said about taking a break from dating.
i have a date on friday with a dude who seems
almost too good to be true (on paper).
i guess i'll find out.
he gives me butterflies which i
haven't had in eons.

i've written 2 of my 3 midterms
& am completely overridden with stress & anxiety.
these classes are theoretical and tricky.
i miss SCIENCE...
i miss certainty.
i miss it when there was only one right answer
and very few grey areas.
ugh.
next term will be AWESOME 'cause i'll be taking
pathophysiology, pharmacology & some other fun courses.

due to getting good grades in anatomy & physiology,
i qualified to be a marker for 1st year lab assignments.
it pays $250 per term
(i'll be doing it 2 terms)
so i couldn't say no.
maybe it will fill the no-science void for now.

tonight i had the urge to go out & buy new bedding.
shouldn't have but i couldn't get the idea out of my head.
pictures to follow 'cause i'm a nerd.

my back & neck are killing me slowly
so tonight i purchased some kind of aromatherapy
rice-filled pillow thingy....
i love products geared towards older adults.