purpose.

it all matters.

"Inexplicable sorrows await all of us...

Life isn't some narcissistic game you play online.  

It all matters - every sin, every regret, every affliction." 

- Cheryl Strayed

_ _ _ _

on repeat.

i will get over him.

i will get over him.

i will get over him.

(maybe if i

speak it,

write it,

type it,

& read it

enough times...

it'll eventually come true).

enigma.

how can something so wrong

feel so right?

true story.

if only he knew.

"his eyes,

though clear enough

in a literal sense,

in a figurative one

were difficult to fathom.

he seemed to use them as instruments

to search other people's thoughts

rather than agents

to reveal his own."

- charlotte bronte

"'i've always envied

people who sleep easily.

their brains must be clearer - 

the floorboards of the skull

well-swept;

all the little monsters

closed up in a steamer trunk

at the food of the bed..."

- Benioff.

damned.

"this love's just a lonesome lie,

well it's bottled, broken, & blind,

but for now...it's all i've got"

ups 'n downs...

(sometimes there are no words)

spring.

perhaps with the changing seasons,

my life will undergo change as well...

a winter of heartbreak

can't dampen my spirit entirely...

can it?

dilemmas.

to stay or go.

to persist or give up.

to fight or surrender.

to remain in comfort or throw caution to the wind...

hmmm..

this just about sums it up.

face value.

i think that sometimes 

things just have to be accepted

& appreciated

for what they are

- nothing more, 

nothing less.

for reasons 

no words can begin to explain,

there are people who

enter our lives 

& shake them to the core.

from the very first moment.

rather than deny that,

& walk away from 

the 1st thing 

that's rocked me 

this way

in years....

i'll take it for what it is,

hold onto it as long as i can,

& stop trying to

make it into something it's not.

so hard to do, so easy to say.

"they say if you love somebody

then you've got to set them free,

but i would rather be locked to you

than live in this pain & misery..."

avoid all entanglements.

"to love at all is to be vulnerable.

love anything, & your heart will 

certainly be wrung & possibly broken.

if you want to make sure of

keeping it intact,

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

wrap it carefully round 

with hobbies & little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements;

lock it up safe in the casket or 

coffin of your selfishness. 

But in that casket -

safe, dark, motionless, airless

- it will change.

it will not be broken;

it will become unbreakable,

impenetrable, irredeemable."

- c.s. lewis

black.

i know someday you'll have a beautiful life

i know you'll be a star 

in somebody else's sky

but why,

why can't it be,

why can't it be mine?

"it's strange that words are so inadequate.

yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath,

so the lover must struggle for words."

- t.s. eliot

loved it.

"what is it that makes the women in my life

destroy themselves?"

the world breaks everyone...

the world breaks everyone,

& afterward,

some are strong at the broken places.

- ernest hemingway

i had an emotionally charged week.

it's difficult for me to even pinpoint why.

there were compounding factors.

the main one being 

my own reaction to it all.

i managed to hide it well

- a secret insomniac 

drowning in my own 

invisible monsters.

i have come to terms with the fact that

no one will ever really get it.

& that's okay.

i think what's important to note though,

is that someone finally 

seems to wholeheartedly accept it.

accurate:

Listen...

- Shel Silverstein

swoooooooooon.

sigh...

apparently a fellow nerd

to watch documentaries with

supersedes my past crushes

by infinity.

i had forgotten what it's like to

miss someone...

what a

[much-needed]

breath of fresh air.

tomorrow!

i can barely contain my inner band geek...

tomorrow night i'm going to the symphony

with an awesome fella!

can't wait.

ring out.

"you arrived & ordered stout,

i stared in wordlessness.

& how your face just fit

into every aching void ,

what i've always missed some way."

song for a lover of not so long ago.

i've buried you...

every place i move.

you keep ending up

in my shaking hands

i have buried you

with my shaking hands

you keep ending up

every place i been.

compliments.

i was having a conversation

late last night with

a certain dude

in which i mentioned briefly that

i am sometimes feel that

too intense for my own good....

to which he replied,

"maybe you are too intense

for the good of other masses,

but i like your fire,

& it is rare.

you are in a minority,

but you should embrace it"

uh...WOW.

perhaps i've met my match.

"if you don't like my fire,

then don't come around,

'cause i'm gonna burn one down."

the awful truth.

i feel like my heart & head

are on the verge

of exploding.

auld lang syne.

sooooooo,

i had the best new year's eve

that i've had in a very long time:

complete with a rad dude

& even a kiss at midnight.

(haven't had one of those in eons...)

2011 was awesome

but i have a feeling

2012 has even more in store.

happy new year, friends.

xo.