you there.

quit tugging on my heart strings

- i don't have many left.

chordae tendinae.

the bridge.

my closet fascination with

morbid documentaries

has reached its peak.

chaos

"i accept chaos...

i'm not sure whether it accepts me."

- bob dylan

lazy sunday.

movies,

cat cuddles,

leftovers,

& yesterday's make-up.

greatness.

"turn down the lights

turn down the bed

turn down these voices

inside my head..."

you had me at coffee.

in the past i've been guilty

of being one of those girls

looking to define whatever

relationship i was in.

attaching a label was an important form

of reassurance for me.

but for whatever reason,

with this current dude

who will for now remain nameless,

(who has been an important presence in my life

for the past two months or so)...

labelling our relationship,

whatever it may be,

isn't on my agenda.

i think this is related to the fact that

all i really want to do

is lay back

& bask in its awesomeness.

there's no way i'm ruining this

by focusing on

what i should or shouldn't

be calling it.

it is what it is.

& that's more than enough for me.

blaaaarrrgggghhh..

1 more week of classes until xmas break.

boy do i need it

(the break, that is).

sigh.

yep.

this is happening.

'cause i'm a dork.

missing.

there are days,

days where breathing itself

feels strenuous

and my heart wrenches.

days like today,

i just feel too much.

i miss him.

desperate times.

blue.

i have nothing to say

except

i'm sick of waiting.

death to movember

i'm so glad the end of movember

is fast approaching.

bring on decembeard!

legends of the stache.

despite my dislike for most moustaches,

i checked out this art show

@ the graffiti gallery

last night with my friend mike:

it was pretty rad.

my favourite piece involved

the swedish chef

hacking off kermit the frog's head.

(bork bork bork!)

all in all it was a good night!

i ran into some awesome people

that i don't see very often.

today marks the end of my official "week off".

i still have the weekend but

monday is looming.

in other news...

i decorated the house.

if i didn't do it this week,

i wouldn't have had time.

off to have coffee with a pal!

hold on.

i finished my final exams on friday for term 1.

this makes me beyond happy

due to the fact that i despised almost

every one of my classes.

a new term will bring many new challenges,

in particular, my surgical rotation.

i'm beyond apprehensive about it

& hope to regain some positivity

since so much of it was lost this term

while taking very uninteresting classes.

dating blows as usual

but i'm happy where i am

& with who i'm becoming.

i'm so grateful to have met

so many remarkable people

through nursing.

"i don't know what the key to success is,

but the key to failure is

trying to please everyone."

- Bill Cosby

this is me finally rested ^ .

it's a wonder what

catching up on sleep can do.

so far my week off has consisted of

sweat pants,

sleep galore,

girly movies,

snacks,

coffee,

& some much-needed catching up

with friends.

i've been thinking a lot lately

about how close i am to being finished my degree.

i feel like i just started yesterday,

& yet i'm almost at the half-way point.

i think that realization will help me

keep motivated to continue on...

there are days where

i can't even begin to glimpse

a hint of light

at the end of the tunnel

(keep on swimming).

a friend of friends passed away

last night/this morning.

while i didn't know him on

a personal level,

i can't help but feel affected by the loss.

life is too short,

& this feels uncomfortably close to home.

i can only hope that

those close to him

have the strength to hold on.

smoosh.

this sums up how

i feel about life as of late...

hockey buddy.

zev.

aw.

what gives?

sometimes hanging onto hope

starts to get old,

especially when a pattern of disappointment develops.

HOWEVER...

the hope remains

albeit hanging by a thread some days.

school is so-so.

i'm having a hard time staying motivated

due to the fact that

i have literally zero interest

in every class that i'm currently taking.

but, on the bright side of things,

my term ends in two weeks.

this week is the last week of actual class/clinical,

and next week is final exams.

boys continue to be complex,

unpredictable,

and complicated.

this is not news to me.

i watched this movie the other day:

it was AWESOME.

it resulted in

the perfect combination of

laughter and tears.

more ranting to come i'm sure.

for now, back to homework-land.

pumpkins, a wedding, & some rambling.

I had the honour of being a bridesmaid

for one of my best buds who

came in from Montreal to get married...

^ the beautiful bride in her awesome dress.

^ had to get a poutine from

Smoke's Poutinerie in between all the pictures

that were being taken!

^ beautiful button bouquet from Etsy.

^ probably the raddest cake I've ever seen.

^ my jack skellington pumpkin.

^ more pumpkins from my carving party.

All in all it was a great weekend

but I'm pooched beyond words.

I've been playing catch-up with homework

all night.

I'll leave it at that for now...

actual rambling & ranting to come...maybe.

variations on the word love.

This is a word we use to

plug holes with.

It's the right size for those warm blanks

in speech,

for those red heart-shaped vacancies

on the page that look nothing
like real hearts.

Add lace
and you can sell it.

We insert it also in the one empty space

on the printed form
that comes with no instructions.

There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love,

you can
rub it all over your body

and you can cook with it too.

How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool debaucheries

of slugs under damp pieces of cardboard?

As for the weed-seedlings

nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces,

they shout it.
Love! Love!

sing the soldiers,

raising their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two of us.

This word is far too short for us,

it has only

four letters,

too sparse
to fill those deep bare vacuums

between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish to fall into,

but that fear.
this word is not enough

but it will have to do.

It's a single
vowel in this

metallic silence,

a mouth that says
O again and again

in wonder and pain,

a breath,

a finger grip

on a cliffside.

You can hold on

or let go.

- Margaret Atwood

good movie.

an emotional punch to the gut + disappointment = realization?

so i've been gearing up for more dates

with mr. awesome

for awhile now.

to make a long story short,

we finally got together last night.

of course this was preceded by

numerous outfit changes

& a mouthful of tums to

settle my nervous tummy

that flip-flops at even the thought of him.

(for literally the first time in YEARS)

to make a long story short,

said dude came to pick me up.

he came to the door, we walked to his car,

i got in, expecting a few hours of greatness...

only to be met with,

"i need to tell you something".

& a heartfelt convo that amounted to

me being told that he is

"trying again" with his ex

(they broke up after 4 years a few months ago).

he was completely candid, respectful & nice about it.

nevertheless it felt like a kick to the chest

& our date ended right then & there,

with me holding back tears as i told him

i understood before i went back inside.

45 minute girly get-ready time

all for a 5 minute conversation.

:(

moral of the story:

my tummy is still capable of flip-flops,

i just needed the right guy to coax them out.

current reality:

i'm bummed out

& admittedly shed tears over a guy

for the first time in a long time.

one day...

...i'll be okay.

false alarm.

contrary to what i thought before a week ago,
the butterflies in my stomach are NOT dead.
an amazing 1st date with an awesome dude reawakened them.
even if this doesn't work out,
it's nice to know that
they were just dormant & waiting to be stirred up.

people & things.

its been a busy week.

i'm literally in physical pain
due to studying.

on the bright side,
i had my *last* day for my
community health rotation.
we spent the day at agape table
helping out with serving breakfast/lunch
to people in need.

myself & 2 of the other girls in my group
took the first shift (7am-10am).
once the next group took over, we headed out
for some falafel.

after that we just headed back
to debrief with the rest of the group
& get an official tour of the facility.
we handed in our client profiles
(which were covered in blood, sweat & tears)
& were dismissed.

went through the car wash...
came home & crammed for
law & ethics some more.
i'm so glad my last midterm is tomorrow.

probably even more glad that i have a date.
OoooOooOOOooo.

girly shit, stress, midterms, a date, & new bedding.

so i'm currently trying to cut portion sizes
in order to ensure that i fit into a dress i plan to wear
to a wedding that i'm a bridesmaid in at the end of october.
it zips up but just barely which leaves me
short of breath & walking like frankenstein.
NEVER in my life did i think i would do
something so silly/unhealthy.
but i'm broke-ass...and the dress is awesome.
soooooo...yeah.
i should probably be watching what i eat more anyway.

i take back what i said about taking a break from dating.
i have a date on friday with a dude who seems
almost too good to be true (on paper).
i guess i'll find out.
he gives me butterflies which i
haven't had in eons.

i've written 2 of my 3 midterms
& am completely overridden with stress & anxiety.
these classes are theoretical and tricky.
i miss SCIENCE...
i miss certainty.
i miss it when there was only one right answer
and very few grey areas.
ugh.
next term will be AWESOME 'cause i'll be taking
pathophysiology, pharmacology & some other fun courses.

due to getting good grades in anatomy & physiology,
i qualified to be a marker for 1st year lab assignments.
it pays $250 per term
(i'll be doing it 2 terms)
so i couldn't say no.
maybe it will fill the no-science void for now.

tonight i had the urge to go out & buy new bedding.
shouldn't have but i couldn't get the idea out of my head.
pictures to follow 'cause i'm a nerd.

my back & neck are killing me slowly
so tonight i purchased some kind of aromatherapy
rice-filled pillow thingy....
i love products geared towards older adults.

do your part.

i did my part.
will you do yours?

preferences.

i think it's sad when people are incapable of being alone.
i was that way at one time.

however...
i find it equally sad when someone begins to prefer it.
this is me right now.

the search for balance continues...

on my own two feet.

so i'm doing a community health rotation right now
and i've come to realize that i will
never be a community nurse.

i miss the chaos of the hospital far too much.

other realizations:

i am backing off from dating for awhile.
the past few excursions i've had over the past while
have been disappointing
to say the least.

i'm not willing to play games.
no two-day rule,
no chasing,
no more giving yet never taking.
i'm done for now.
it was fun over the summer
but i have far more important shit on my plate
that i need to
focus my energy on right now.

i feel relieved.

while i'm happy that i don't instantly
get all goo-goo-ga-ga
over the first guy that asks me out,
i am also disappointed that
no one has brought this out in me
in a very long time.

lame sauce.

in other random news,
i went through all the files on my computer today
and purged a lot of old stuff from my past,
including the deletion of nearly all evidence
of the existence of the guy
that most people know as being the angriest dude around.
it was a cathartic experience,
something i should have done a long time ago.

i'm better off.
and while i long for the spark that eludes me,
i am grateful and proud to be standing here right now,
on my own two feet.

underneath this smile lies everything.

here's some shitty video i took at pearl jam on saturday.
the audio is great, but i had to be discreet with the recording,
hence the poor video quality.

anyhow,
it was one of the best concerts i've been to for sure.
part of me wanted to quit nursing school
to become eddie vedder's sex slave.
but here i am sitting here surrounded by textbooks
just like any other sunday.

i miss getting butterflies.
i'm pretty sure the angry ex from going on 2 years ago
stomped them all to death.

and another...


hearts and thoughts they fade....fade away.

hello, september.

i spent part of my long weekend
wandering aimlessly in the bush.

it was awesome.

then, i randomly came across this:

which at the time, i had no idea what it was...
i opened it half-expecting to find bugs or
someone's head or something else grotesque inside.

but this is what i found:
oops! kinda rad.

i also shot tin cans with a BB gun,
drank wine,
& ate like a fat man all weekend.

now, to hit the books...

goodbye, august.

i already miss my summer adventures...
i had the greatest sidekick.

currently trying to get back into school mode,
AKA
finding the elusive mojo once again.
i don't feel ready to hit the books quite yet,
so it's a good thing this first week has been
slowly building up to the inevitable shit-storm.

a lot has happened this summer.
break-ups,
make-ups,
flings,
flops,
weddings,
swan dives,
belly-flops,
nostalgia for something that's completely vanished...

how do i go about quelling my desire
for the seemingly extinct?

this is how i spend most nights...

have i become so solitary that i no longer miss company?
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

separation.

this city is too small...

there are too few degrees of separation sometimes.

'Six Degrees of Separation' tapestry
by Carol Ann Waugh

getaway.

hooray!

i'm flying to calgary tomorrow

to visit my big bro.
i need a break from this city
like you wouldn't believe...

lately there's been
far too much drama.

BUT things have also been good
in a number of ways.
apparently i'm back in the 'game'.

yup, that's me...
the most awkward date ever.
win!

27.

it's my birthday.

sometimes after i have
vivid dreams
involving another person,
i wonder if somehow there's a
subconscious interpersonal connection...
as in, maybe they dreamt of me too?

in this case,
i hope they did.

LIFE.

clean slate.